Heeyyy thereeee.
I despise telling people how I really feel. I think part of it is denial. Keeping my mouth shut about things that are bothering me makes me think that I have it all under control, like nothing is wrong. Even though it’s socially acceptable and highly encouraged these days, the thought of opening up to people makes me feel weak. I never think there’s something wrong when someone comes to me with their worries, but when I’m the one doing the reaching out, I can’t help but think that I’m messing up somehow.
Part of the reason for that is because I really despise feeling unhappy. It makes me feel guilty and even more unhappy since, realistically, there’s no need for me to be sad. But, hey 🤷🏻♀️. Sometimes you make all the action plans, do all the “self care” activities, and read all the books to give yourself some clarity and perspective, but the worry and funk still creeps at you.
In the past, I didn’t tell my friends things like how miserable I was during high school, and I didn’t tell my family things like how unhappy I was when I moved back home after college. I skirted questions about how I was doing with answers I thought people wanted to hear and seriously thought I was so good at hiding how I was feeling. Turns out, I sucked at it!
One thing I’m trying to drill into my mind is:
If you think you can’t tell people about your problems, or that your problems aren’t problems, you’re being silly. You can always talk to someone, no matter how trivial something seems.
I’m trying not to bottle up thoughts that end up recurring anyways so that they don’t ping around my mind until they become unbearable. Trying to ignore them gives them time to fester and grow into something greater and more distressing than they were before.
It’s normal to feel that I’m just bothering someone with my emotions, but opening up has proved to help relationships more, rather than strain them.
When I finally let on to a high school friend how I felt in the past after years of avoiding the topic, she said, “honestly, you always looked a bit sad.” And when I finally worked up the courage to tell my family that I could use some help, they told me that they could tell something was bothering me.
In my head, I was pulling off the “I’m fiiiine, everyone 👍👍” so well, but those suckers all read through me (aka the real sucker 😬). They were still worried about me despite me trying to keep them from being worried.
In the long run, keeping things to myself was useless and upsetting for everyone. I was honestly not okay, the people around me could obviously see it, and everyone felt hurt that there was something unspoken between us.
If I could turn back time, I would shake past Belle and tell her, “Get over yourself!” Although it’s cheesy and cliche, opening yourself up to people is ultimately not weak—𝙞𝙩 𝙞𝙨 𝙚𝙢𝙥𝙤𝙬𝙚𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜.
Every time I was honest with myself and people about feeling lost, I was met with real clarity and perspective, and that aided my next actions the most.
So, if you’re going through a hard time right now, open up to someone.
Need Help NOW? / Talk To Someone Now (USA) / International Suicide Hotlines / USA National Suicide & Crisis Hotlines
Belle Can Read 
honestly, i feel like school is the source of my mental health problems, and i do open up to people about it sometimes, and we all just cry together, honestly. it’s a very teenage thing to worry about homework, low grades, etc., and i feel like i’m MEANT to feel this way because school is preparing me for real life blah, blah, blah. but it doesn’t make it easier when i know that school is taking such a toll on my mental health, and i dread going to school everyday. yeah. idk where i’m going with this.
but anyways, i truly love this post, and it’s message that you have to open up to people—that is really so important. I hope you’re doing better now, Belle, and I’m so glad that you did open up to your friends and family!
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I’m really happy that you have a group that you can be open with, Caitlin! School is tough, which is not to say that you are MEANT to feel worried about it, as I don’t think school should ever stress a student so much that they dread showing up. When I was in high school, I hated when people remarked “it gets better” because it was hard to see past what I had to deal with on the daily. And honestly, I still don’t like the saying because life is so messy—it’s a mishmash of endless highs and lows. Having compassionate and nonjudgemental support you can have a good cry with makes all the difference in feeling those highs 🙂. (Also, I don’t know if you’ve ever read it, but you should definitely pick up Picture Us In the Light by Kelly Loy Gilbert if you haven’t! I think the story will really resonate with you 🙂).
Thank you so much, Caitlin 💕!! It means a lot to me that you shared your thoughts too. And, I’ve been doing better 💃🏽😄
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Thank you for this post Belle and I’m so happy you opened up and felt better about doing so, too, that’s so important. I feel like I’m like you, I don’t dare opening up because I just don’t want to bother and feel like my feelings are just not really that important or i’m imagining things and everything else soooo I shut up and bottle it all up even though I know it’s not healthy (:
Thank you for this ❤
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Thank you so much for sharing your kind words and your thoughts, Marie 🙂❤️! Maybe our habit isn’t the best thing to have in common haha, but I’m so happy we can understand each other’s thought process. I get how difficult it is to open up and to see how you’re /not/ bothering someone by doing so, and I hope that you can share your honest feelings to whoever you’re comfortable with, whenever you feel ready ❤️. Take care 🙂
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Yeah ahah I guess it’s not a great habit at all, but it makes me feel less alone, knowing I’m not the only one processing things that way, even if it’s not healthy. I hope so, thank you so much for this post and your sweet words! ❤ ❤ ❤
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